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Baby Classes- The Swim Issue

7/16/2013

Dear Magda,

I heard you speak at a conference recently. If I understood you correctly, you believe that infants from a very early age are very active, move a lot and do not need to be exercised. How do you feel about special classes for babies, such as "Baby Swim", "Baby Dance", "Baby Gym", and "Baby Dynamics"? Almost all my friends take their babies to such classes and seem to enjoy them very much.

Dear Parent,

You understand me well, but I also know how pressured parents are by all the magazines, the media and by other parents to do something to stimulate learning in their infants. Your question reminds me of a lovely mother who came to my class recently and who has attended several baby stimulation classes, but continues to question if her baby needs it or if she needs it and if it's okay. Of course, things are not that simple. We have to ask what is there for the parent and what is there for the baby in these classes. It is true that sensory motor development happens as the first stage of the intellectual learning of babies. In many cultures, people have been led to think that unless infants are taught they don't learn. Under the guise of teaching has come tight swaddling, being tied to boards, being carried in slings and pouches, placed in infant seats, jumpers or walkers, being immobilized as well as exercised.

The fact that all "normal" children learn to walk clearly shows their amazing resilience. There is evidence, however, that gross motor development happens naturally when an infant has plenty of space to move in a safe, age-appropriate and challenging environment. Nowadays, people find it hard to believe that this uninterrupted absorption is leading to learning.

However, if you watch babies who are allowed to move freely and without interference you will see that they learn to move gracefully and securely and, through endless repetition and practice, they become well-balanced. These kinds of sensory experiences are learning, and are a great pleasure for a parent to watch! A father who once asked me whether he should exercise his baby or take him to a gym class was intrigued when I suggested that he imitate all his baby's movements for about one hour and decide then if his baby needed an additional workout.

After the recent conference, Dr. Pikler and I visited one of those "Baby Swim" classes. There were about fifteen mothers and a few fathers there with babies from four to eight months. Although the instructor explained that the purpose of the class was not to teach the infants how to swim, but simply to help them learn to enjoy the water, and reminded the parents not to force their babies, he proceeded to instruct with, "Now jump up. Take them under the water. Make the baby kick." The speed, the excitement, the up and down, didn't take into account the babies' or parents' timing. To me it felt like an army drill. It made me increasingly uncomfortable to see the delighted smiles of the parents. For them, the excitement and fun seemed contagious. The babies, however, looked scared and surprised. Some were bewildered. At times a few cried. Yet the parents kept saying, "Isn't it fun?" Only one mother, of an apparently exhausted baby, said, "I think that is enough for you," and picked the baby up and rested her on the side of the pool.

All these parents were loving, caring people. Yet they listened to the instructor and reinforced each other with, "Aren't the babies having fun?" They neither looked at the babies' faces nor seemed to see or read their children's feelings. What did these babies really learn or experience? The parents enjoyed being together and needed to reinforce each other in their belief that they were doing the right thing for their infants. They wanted to believe that their babies were learning. They needed to feel confident. My advice is, to gain confidence, look at your baby. Respond to your baby. Enjoy what your baby is doing right now. If you want to give your infant a positive experience, take the clues from your own observations. While these classes offer support and companionship to parents, the babies, in order to attend these classes, must be interrupted from their natural rhythms of sleep and play, then restricted in infant seats while in the car. They are exposed to a barrage of people and activities and expected to conform to an externally imposed curriculum. I recommend that parents form small groups in which their babies are the "actors'' and "script-writers." The parents can then watch, learn, and enjoy.

© Magda Gerber, Originally published in Educaring, Vol III No 1 Winter 1981

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What Is Love?

10/22/2012

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Dear Magda,

As I read Educaring I get the feeling that the RIE philosophy is rather cold and impersonal. You talk of independence and autonomy for infants, but not of loving them. You emphasize the importance of speaking to babies, but not of holding them. You tell parents ways of feeding and bathing their infants, but you don't talk about playing with them.

Frankly, babies are dependent on adults, not only for food and shelter, but for love, emotional warmth and comfort too. Where do these needs fit into the RIE philosophy?

Dear Parent,

For years and years when talking to groups of parents, I asked them, "What do infants need beyond food, hygiene, etc?" The answer was unanimously, "Love." But what is love?

Rather than trying to explain or analyze "love" theoretically, I will share with you from my own subjective experiences how it feels to be loved, and how it feels to love.

It makes me feel good, it opens me up, it gives me strength. I feel less vulnerable, lonely, helpless, confused. I feel more honest, more rich. It fills me with hope, trust, creative energy. It refuels me and prepares me to face life.

How do I perceive the other person who gives me things? I see her as honest, as one who sees and accepts me for what I really am, who responds to me objectively without being critical. I respect her authenticity and values and she respects mine. She is one who is available when needed, who listens and hears, who looks and sees me, who genuinely shares herself.

In short, I perceive one who loves me, who gives me these feelings, as one who cares.

In no other loving connection is "caring" as crucial as in the parent/infant relationship. This relationship is, at first, a one-sided. It is the parent who is the giver; the child slowly learns to love. At the time when parental roles were more limited, parental love had been differentiated into two categories: maternal and paternal love. Maternal love was described as unconditional. The infant is loved because he or she is. Ideally, every human being should start life with this kind of love.

Paternal love has some strings attached. The father has expectations for the young child and love for "good" "expected" behavior. Many people cannot make the shift from being loved and fully accepted the way they are, to having to earn or deserve love. They insist on being loved while being obnoxious, pushing the parents to the limits of their tolerance. This state or fixation on total acceptance peaks around two and again in adolescence.

The grace period of maternal love lays down a foundation of self- acceptance. Paternal love is a bridge preparing a child to live in the real world, where he has to "deserve" love and appreciation. I see the value of both. I recommend that parents read The Art of Loving by Eric Fromm, who defines love as caring, respecting, assuming responsibility for, and acquiring knowledge about the other person.

To care is to put love into action. The way we care for our babies is then how they experience our love.

How and when do you pick your baby up? For instance, when you are in a hurry do you pick him up without warning or plop him down abruptly? Are you responding to the baby's needs or your own?

When do you smile at your baby? If your infant could express the bewilderment she feels when looking at her mother's smiling face while being propped in an uncomfortable position, it may sound like, "Mommy, why do you smile at me when I feel so uncomfortable?"

How do you talk to your infant? Do you tell him "I love you" just when you are at the end of your tolerance, when what you really feel is "I wish I never had a baby"? When what you say is inconsistent with what you feel, your baby receives a double message. Rather than feeling reassured of your love, he feels confused.

When do you choose to hug and kiss your child? Is it when you come home from a party and look at your peacefully sleeping child that you start touching and kissing her and wake her up? Although an act of love, this was serving your needs, not the baby's.

Do you tolerate your child's crying? It seems so much easier to do something about crying: to pick up, move around, take for a ride, pat, bounce. When the baby cries, the first step is to try to determine why he cries, rather than to try to stop the crying. When you have eliminated hunger and the other standard discomforts and the baby is still crying, that is the time to tolerate crying, even to respect the infant's right to cry. You might want to say, "I am here to help you, but I do not know what you need. Try to tell me." If that is what you feel, share it; this is the beginning of communication.

How do you set limits and restrain your child? Some parents are afraid that setting limits or disagreeing with a child will be perceived as unloving. Yet sometimes setting a limit is in the best interest of the child, and is therefore an act of love. Even though the child may be protesting, you know that what you are doing is for the child's sake. The most obvious example is the baby's car seat. Even when she objects to being strapped into it, you continue with the task because you know that it keeps her safe.

Do you allow your baby to experience some frustration? It is difficult for parents to learn that they cannot spare their children from all pain and frustration. Yet the only way anybody can develop frustration tolerance is by experiencing and directly dealing with it.

In what ways do you allow your infant to explore freely and to make choices? Superimposing your ideas of showing love may prevent an infant from making choices or engaging in exploration. For instance, do you hold your baby in your lap in such a way that he can leave when he is ready, or do you hold on to him? Wanting to hold a child can become holding the child back from free exploration, making him passive and over dependent. Showing love means being available rather than intrusive.

Do you tell your child how you really feel? How confusing for a child to have a parent who pretends to be the always loving, always cheerful person. If you learn to communicate how you are feeling (tired, peaceful, upset, joyful, angry, etc.) you become authentic and allow your child to grow up authentic.

Dear Parent, I agree that babies need love, emotional warmth and comfort. Most people associate parental love with the easy solutions of holding, nursing, cuddling. What is much more difficult is to find the balance between holding on and letting go. It is a lifelong struggle, and maybe the hardest part of parenting. Good luck and many rewards, Magda

© Magda Gerber Originally published in Educaring Vol VI No 1 Winter 1985

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Magda Gerber Uncut- Educaring? What's That ?

9/12/2012

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Educaring Vol I No 2 Spring 1980

As an infant advocate over several decades, I have witnessed many changes in attitudes towards infant care in general, and towards group care in particular. Until recently, the care of infants in this country has largely been the concern of the family and the family physician. Only in the last decade or two has the need for providing alternative care become increasingly apparent. In the fifties, group care of infants was non-existent and looked upon as potentially harmful. In the sixties, the pros and cons of group care were debated in an emotionally loaded atmosphere. In the seventies, an increasing number of infants spent six, eight, or more hours each weekday in group care. State and federal regulations, even when met, do not insure that the infants' needs are met, too.

In my work of consulting with a great variety of centers, I have found that while the people in charge of infant centers usually are well-meaning, child-loving people who want to do a decent job, this rarely is possible because of the low pay and status of the infant care-giver, poor, if any, pre and in-service training, very few model centers, inadequate facilities, constant change in personnel, and so forth.

Can any center meet the needs of infants under such difficult conditions? What are the infants' needs, beyond those for food, rest, warmth and hygiene? Most people would respond with the following: love, as demonstrated by rocking, fondling and body contact; and cognitive stimulation as demonstrated by an abundance of objects, teaching materials and lesson plans. These needs have become largely accepted and most centers try to meet them in different ways.

We who follow the R.I.E. philosophy have our own ways of meeting infants' needs. R.I.E. seeks to attain a balance between adult stimulation and independent exploration by the infant. We focus on two areas of the infant's life: the time spent with the adult who cares for the infant and the time the infant spends alone freely exploring his environment.

Only a child who receives undivided attention from his educarer during all routine care-giving activities will be free and interested to explore his environment without needing too much intervention on the part of the educarer. If the educarer understands that the infant needs both concentrated attention while being cared for and time to explore alone, she (he) also gains time for herself (himself).

In order to highlight the differences between the attitudes of a good/average care-giver and a trained educarer I will compare and contrast the two:

• Whereas a care-giver may rush through routine caring activities in order to get ready for the more valued time of following a curriculum, lesson plan, or providing some structured stimulation, the educarer uses the time that must be spent with the child anyway as a potential source of valued learning experience;

• Whereas many care-givers rely on infant curricula, books and packaged programs as prescriptions to teach, drill, and speed up new skills in the areas of gross motor, fine motor, social/emotional or language development, the educarer trusts the infants' abilities to initiate their own activities, choose from available objects, and work on their own projects without interruption;

• Whereas the care-giver teaches and encourages postures and means of locomotion which the infants are not yet able to do on their own, thus hampering free movement and exploration and sometimes even creating bodily discomfort, the educarer provides appropriate space for the infant to freely initiate his own movements without interference, thus helping the infant feel comfortable, competent and self-reliant;

• Whereas the care-giver's attention is focused on the elicited response to her stimulation, the educarer focuses upon observing the whole child, his reaction to the care-giving person, to the environment, and to his peers, thus learning about the child's personality and needs;

• Whereas the care-giver selects and puts objects/toys in the infants' hands, the educarer places the objects/toys so the infant must make an effort to reach and grasp. The child works towards what he wants;

• Whereas the care-giver encourages dependency by assuming an active role, such as rescuing a child in distress or helping him to solve his problems, the educarer waits to see if the child is capable of consoling himself and solving his own problems, thus encouraging autonomy;

• Whereas the care-giver may often use bottles and/or pacifiers to soothe a crying child, creating a false oral need for food and sucking, the educarer accepts the child's right to show both positive and negative feelings. The educarer does not want to stop the crying, but rather he/she tries to understand and attend to the child's real needs such as sleeplessness, hunger or cold. If the infant soothes himself by sucking his thumb, the educarer accepts this as a positive self-comforting activity;

• Whereas the care-giver often restricts infant-infant interaction, such as infants touching each other, for fear of them hurting each other, the educarer facilitates interactions by closely observing in order to know when to intervene and when not to;

• Whereas, in a situation of conflict between infants, the care-giver resolves the problem by separating, distracting, or deciding who should have the toy or object in question, the educarer would comment "Both you, John, and you, Anne, want that toy." Often, after such impartial comments, minor conflicts resolve themselves;

• Whereas the care-giver may become aggressive in controlling an "aggressor," thereby reinforcing the aggressive behavior, the educarer models appropriate behavior by touching the aggressive child and quietly saying something like, "Easy, gentle . . . nice."

• Whereas the care-giver may rush to pick up, to rescue and to console the "victim" of the"aggressor", the educarer squats down, touches and strokes the "victim," saying "Gently now, nice." By concurrently stroking and talking to both the "victim" and the "aggressor," the educarer is modeling and consoling both children without reinforcing a pattern of becoming a "victim";

• Whereas the care-giver likes to have more people or helpers in the room, the educarer wants to become the steady person to her own small group of about four infants;

• Whereas the care-giver gets exhausted from picking up one crying child and putting down another, as if extinguishing one fire after another, the educarer calmly observes and can often prevent the "fire";

• Whereas the care-giver may scoop up an infant unexpectedly from behind, thereby startling, interrupting and creating resistance in the infant, the educarer always tells the infant before she does anything with him or her and thus gains cooperation.

All of these examples try to illustrate that while both the care-giver and the educarer love the infant, the educarer demonstrates love by showing and teaching respect. Magda Gerber

All photos courtesy of, and copyright David Vigliotti

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