Magda Gerber, Seeing Babies with New Eyes
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Helping Your Baby To Get The Sleep She Needs

9/1/2012

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Dear Magda,

It is becoming more and more difficult to put Alison, my seven-month-old, to sleep. I have always nursed her to sleep, but now she wakes up crying as soon as I put her down, or shortly thereafter. I have tried putting her down later and later in the evening, thinking she was not sleepy, but this did not help. Now, neither Alison nor I get enough sleep. Help! Tired Parent

                                                                                           

Dear Parent,

I'll try. But do not expect a magic formula; sometimes we cannot isolate any one problem area from the rest of the everyday life of your baby.


I know that the easiest way to put your baby to sleep is to nurse her into sleep. I have observed, however, that as an infant becomes more aware of herself and of her environment, it is better to put her down while she is still somewhat awake. It is possible that waking up in a crib with no memory of having been put there can be disorienting and scary. Babies younger than Alison may wake up confused because of the sudden change in their sensitive vestibular organization, (i.e. going from a more upright position to lying flat in the crib).

Rather than putting Alison down later and later, I suggest that you sensitively observe the very first signs of tiredness. That is the time a child is ready for sleep. As time goes by, increased tiredness builds resistance — and once the second wind hits, going to sleep becomes an ordeal for both your baby and you. An overtired child sleeps restlessly, wakes up more often during the night and gets up grouchy, way too early in the morning. Stress and overstimulation can also cause exhaustion, irritability and resistance to sleep.

Many parents I have advised have learned with surprise and delight that contrary to their fears, putting babies to bed very early in  the evening did not make them wake up earlier in the morning. Indeed, their babies often woke up much later in the morning, adding hours of sleep.

Your goal is to develop good sleeping habits. The easiest way to develop good habits in general is to have a predictable daily life. Young babies thrive on routine. Ideally, daily events of eating, sleeping, bathing, outdoor play, etc., happen around the same time and in the same sequence each day. As the baby is learning to anticipate the next event, many conflicts are eliminated. A mutual adaptation of the biological rhythm of your baby and your family schedule develops. It also enables you, the parent, to plan ahead for those blocks of rime when your baby is usually napping or playing peacefully.


But be prepared that there will be times when a child becomes reluctant to fall asleep, e.g. when she comes down with a sickness, shortly before a spurt of new developmental milestones, or during certain vulnerable times of emotional growth, such as separation anxiety. Your 7-month-old Alison is at a sensitive period for separation anxiety.

Both the amount and the pattern of sleep change from child to child and of course change as a baby grows. Newborn and very young babies alternate periods of sleep with periods of wakefulness six to ten times within 24 hours, with an average of 18 to 21 hours of sleep; two to three-year-olds average 12-14 hours of sleep.  

Everything that happens to your baby during the day can influence her sleep pattern. Does she spend plenty of time playing outdoors? Building a room-size outdoor playpen is an excellent investment Napping outdoors is a good habit.

I want to talk a little about how to put a baby to bed. As bedtime approaches, create an atmosphere that be comes progressively slower paced and more quiet Do you happen to know the lovely book by Margaret Wise Brown, Good Night Moon, in which page by page the room darkens, gradually evoking a sleepy mood? This is the feeling I suggest you work toward.

Repeating a simple pre-bedtime ritual helps your baby to get ready gradually. For example, making a habit of commenting while putting away toys can be helpful: "The ball goes into this basket here in the comer; dolly sits on the top shelf; the toys will stay here until morning when you can play with them again." Such comments build a bridge between 'tonight' and 'tomorrow,' and provide a sense of continuity and security. Then you may continue, "I am going to pull the curtains now, then I will turn off the big light and put on the night light then I will go into the other room." As Alison grows older, she may take over your role and have such monologues herself.

Some infants have a special bed companion, a 'lovey' such as a Teddy bear or blanket also referred to as a transitional object. Putting Alison and her lovey to bed, you may talk to the bear, "Have a peaceful rest I will cover both Alison and you so that the two of you will feel comfortable and cozy. Are you ready for your lullaby?" (You may want to sing or wind up a music box — music is a soothing way to end a day.)

Finally, caress your baby gently and say, "Good night I'll see you in the morning."

As you can see, I am giving you ideas of how you can create an atmosphere conducive to rest. But remember nobody can make another person fall asleep, (short of giving sleeping pills). How to relax and let sleep come is a skill Alison, like everybody else, must learn all by herself. Children also wake up several times during the night and learn how to ease themselves back into sleep, (unless they have a need, or get scared).

Your overall attitude can make a difference. Do not feel sorry for "poor baby" who must go to bed — rather remember how good it feels to rest when you are tired, and how nice it feels to wake up refreshed.

Wishing you peaceful nights and joyful days in 1984. 

Magda 


Ed note: We have followed these guidelines with Nathan from his earliest days, and he now knows when he needs sleep, and that it feels good to sleep when he is tired. The other day, he came into the kitchen after his rest, hugged me and said, "Mommy, I had a wonderful nap." 


(Originally published in Educaring Vol V No 1 Winter 1984)

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Given that sleep is a learned skill, and "you can lead a baby to bed, but you can't make him sleep" (Lisa Sunbury), what can a parent do to support a child to develop good sleep habits? Magda wrote this letter in response to a parent in 1984. We are republishing it today in response to a recent post validating the importance of helping infants and young children to get the sleep they need, and a subsequent reader comment/question asking for suggestions for how to help babies develop good sleep habits in a respectful way that includes them in the process. 

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Magda Gerber Uncut- Discipline is Learning & Nurturing Combined

7/8/2012

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Dear Magda:

   From parents who have taken your Parent-Infant Guidance classes, I've heard that you indeed respect the babies' choices—that they are allowed, even encouraged, to do what they want to do. My question is, isn't this too permissive? How will these infants ever learn discipline?





Dear Parent:

It seems to me that you have learned about one aspect of the R.I.E. philosophy, without having been made aware of the whole picture. At R.I.E., we certainly believe in the benefits of discipline, for both parents and infants. The word discipline has different meanings, both according to the dictionary and in people's minds. Parents often think of it as punishment, corporal or otherwise, or as a system of punishments and rewards. I see discipline as being a social contract, in which family (or community) members agree to accept and obey a particular set of rules. We need discipline just as we need traffic signs, and we have a mutual expectation that these red, yellow, and green lights will be observed in the same way by all members. Living within a system of generally accepted rules makes life easier for all of us. While rules vary among cultures and among families, I think most people would agree that a mutually acceptable system of rules is necessary for co-existence. This system can be determined within each family by clarifying the needs of its members and then developing a set of rules or guidelines which accommodates those needs as much as possible. After deciding on the rules, a parent must then introduce them to the child and reinforce them. The question is how? My guidelines for the 'how' are as follows:

 1) Establish a few, simple, reasonable rules and make sure they are age-appropriate.

 2) Expect these rules to be obeyed.

 3) Be consistent but not rigid.

 4) Give the child choices within a secure framework.

 5) Remember that even children (especially children) need to be able to save face and avoid power struggles.



Let me talk about each one of these guidelines. First of all, remember that discipline is not a set of rigidly enforced mandates, but a process in which the child learns to become a social being. Social learning, like any other form of learning, is dependent upon the child's capacities. Don't expect things of a child that are against the very nature of their current developmental stage. To expect a newborn not to cry a very young baby not to put things in her mouth, or a toddler not to say no is unreasonable. Also, timing is an important factor. One can't expect cooperation from a sleepy or hungry baby. Knowing when to give infants freedom and when to introduce limits is most important and is the backbone of the R.I.E. approach.

The second guideline concerns expectations as well. In my practice I have seen that a child's response to parental demands depends very much upon the parents' own deep-down expectations. The way a demand is expressed triggers the child to do something or not to do it. If the parent doesn't really believe in the validity of a particular rule, or is afraid that the child will not obey, chances are the child won't.

The third guideline calls for consistency. Predictability is habit-forming, and the formulation of habits makes it much easier to live with rules. There are some things we don't need or want to re-examine every time we do them, such as brushing our teeth. It's much more convenient for us if actions like these become second nature. Because very young children do not understand the reasons behind the rules they are expected to follow, it is better if these rules become simply a matter of course. For example, it is much easier to get a baby to go to sleep when the same schedule and routine precedes each night's bedtime. This should continue until the child herself indicates the need for some sort of change. In addition, we all know how difficult it is to change habits once we have them. For this reason alone we should try to establish good habits from the very beginning. This is why I tell parents to start establishing patterns and routines right from the child's birth. Through regularity of routines, babies eventually learn to anticipate that which is expected of them. This is the beginning of discipline.

The fourth guideline refers to choice within boundaries. Boundaries which are predictably and consistently reinforced provide security. In order to really develop inner discipline, children must be given the freedom to make choices. Knowing when to give infants freedom and when to introduce limits is most important and is the backbone of the R.I.E. approach. We need to remember that limits function as traffic signals, keeping things flowing smoothly between family members. Within this framework are those things a child is expected to do (non-negotiable areas), what she is allowed to do (negotiable areas), what is tolerated ("I don't really like that, but I can understand why you need to do it."), and what is forbidden.

These are the parameters of discipline. Within these parameters are what I perceive as being inviolable areas of choice. Babies have an inborn capacity to make healthful choices about how they want to move and learn. They should be provided with safe, appropriately-sized rooms in which they can move and explore freely. Their use of objects and play materials should not be restricted, governed, or overly interfered with. Babies must have freedom of choice in the area of gross motor development and manipulation (play).

One can further enhance the child's sense of himself as a decision-maker by allowing enough time to elapse after requesting something, so that the child can decide on his own whether or not to cooperate. This leads to the fifth guideline. If a child spends hours playing uninterruptedly, he will be much more willing to cooperate with the demands of his parent. If he doesn't have to fight for autonomy, he can comfortably relinquish it once in a while. And we must understand that children need to be able to save face when they have not obeyed a rule. Children fight an inner - "If the parent doesn't really believe in the validity of a particular rule, or is afraid that the child will not obey, chances are the child won't." - struggle. One part of them wants to please, yet they also have to resist in order to test the limits of their power. In a way, each one of us carries around that eternal two-year-old, who shouts 'no' as he is offered an ice-cream cone, even while reaching for it. None of us really likes to be told what to do, even when it is good for us.




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In our Parent-Infant Guidance classes we like to model how we teach and reinforce rules. We have a snack for the older babies at a special table around which the demonstrator and the babies sit. Children may choose between items to eat or drink, and may choose not to have snack, but they may not take food, juice, or bottles away from the table. It is an incredible learning experience for all of us to see how even the youngest infants learn the rule and decide whether or not to obey it. After many repetitions of the rule they get the message and then have to test it over and over again. We've often seen a baby or toddler steal away from the table and then turn back to make sure that the demonstrator sees her, as though she were checking to see whether the rule would be enforced. This shows that the child understands that a rule exists.

It is natural for children to carry food away from the table. They can see no real reason not to. When a child ignores the rule, the demonstrator tries to show that she fully understands the child's desire to do what he wants, and that he is not naughty or bad for having that desire. Therefore, she does not get angry with the child, but calmly and unemotionally repeats the rule.

Of course, we understand parents who get irritated after their toddlers play with the television set after being told 'no' several times. But it becomes easier to handle once one realizes that the child's behavior stems from a natural inclination and not from a desire to drive the parent crazy.

So, as you can see, dear parent, the R.I.E. approach to discipline is not permissive, but understanding. Children, like adults, need rules and guidelines. I conceptualize discipline as being a system based on and facilitative of mutual respect among family members. We could easily exchange the word 'discipline' for the word 'educaring'—they are both a combination of learning and nurturance. The goal is inner or self-discipline, self confidence, and joy in the act of cooperation.  

©Magda Gerber, Originally published in Educaring Vol III No 3 Summer 1982


Comments

Magda Gerber Uncut- What Is RIE About? Balance!

6/10/2012

Comments

 
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 Dear Magda,


I was pregnant at the time I first heard about RIE at a conference given by you and Dr. Pikler. I know it was the best possible preparation for my baby and myself. And now, when I compare Rachel (at 15 months) to other children, she is so much more peaceful than they are and she plays happily for hours by herself. Yet, sometimes, I have doubts. All around me I see parents taking their babies to classes and teaching them at home and I wonder if we might be missing something. There are so many programs and so many people pressuring me to do this or that with Rachel. I look at her and I can see that RIE is right. But why is it so hard for me to explain to others what I believe? Or, why can't they hear me? Confused Parent

                                                                                    

Dear Parent,

To start where your letter ends, how well I understand your problem. All my classes, lectures, articles, movies, every Educaring keeps trying to explain what RIE is all about. So many parents and professionals have asked for more guidelines on how to put the RIE method into practice and how to explain it to others, I would like to present them again here.


What an infant needs - what every human being wants - is to experience the full undivided attention of a parent or other significant person. But nobody can pay attention all of the time. What makes parenting so difficult - so much of a grind - is the ongoingness of it. To be always needed, always available, can drain any parent's energies.

The natural time to be wholeheartedly with your child is the time you do spend together anyway - the time while you care for your baby. Think of that time as special; take the telephone off the hook before you intend to feed, bathe, or even diaper your baby, and tell your child, "I'm going to take the phone off the hook so nobody will disturb us!" This will create intimacy. After such intimate moments your baby will be pleased to explore by herself if you have prepared the proper environment.

Every infant needs an absolutely safe environment, one in which he can move freely according to his gross-motor abilities. A crib is all right for the first two and one half months, a playpen until about five months. At that young age infants are not locomotive - cannot move far away from where we put them - so they do not find these small places restrictive. On the contrary, it is their familiar place with their familiar objects in it. Ideally, the crib and the playpen are in the child's own room. The room should be within hearing distance from where the mother is (kitchen, bathroom, etc.).

At about five to six months, the child can spend increasingly more time on the floor of her room. As the rest of the house is usually not as safe, it helps to have a gate. If a whole room is not available, a part of a room should be safely partitioned. Interestingly, parents often feel sorry for a baby who is allowed to freely move about, can manipulate and explore in his or her own room, while they do not feel sorry for a baby trapped in an infant seat which is placed on the kitchen table!

Ideally children should have a duplicate crib and a playpen out-of-doors to spend many hours napping and playing safely outside without the parents having to watch them every minute. These safe environments not only allow the child to spend uninterrupted time exploring and learning, but it also allows the parents to pursue their own projects. When the time comes to provide care again, both infant and parent can enjoy it fully without pressure.

The quality of your interactions will also improve if you learn how to observe and understand the personality of your child. To peacefully sit in the room while your child is doing her own thing, without wanting to play with her, teach her, or care for her - just be available to her - will make you much more sensitive to your child's needs, her tempo and style. Try to observe what interests her, how she handles frustration, solves little problems. Allow your child to learn about you. Be genuine and honest in your interactions. You do not need to put on a sweet smile when you are awakened in the middle of the night. You are sleepy, so act sleepy.

Accept the feelings of your baby, positive as well as negative. Do not try to stop the crying with a pacifier. Do not tickle a sad baby. You may save your grown-up child many dollars spent on therapies where they have to relearn how to cry and how to show feelings. And trust your baby. Trust her initiations, her choices, her motivation and innate desire to learn. Why teach anything to a child that she would learn all by herself? Why cram her head with knowledge unrelated to her interests and readiness?

What makes parenting difficult is the conflict of needs (father wants to leave, baby clings and cries; mother wants to sleep, baby wakes and cries). Parents are torn between contradictory advice. Some advise, "You, the parent, have the right to live your own life and the baby has to adjust to it." This usually means that parents take the infants wherever they go - shopping, visiting, movies. The babies' biological timetables are messed up, they become appendages of their parents' lives. According to other advice, the mother should give up everything just to serve the baby. Seldom are guidelines given for mutual adaptation. The RIE guidelines can help you to be sensitive to both your baby's and your own needs.

                                                                                                    
© Magda Gerber (First published in Winter 1983 Educaring)


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